I sit up in my bed and aim to meditate. It’s 3:30am, I can’t sleep: perfect time to meditate anyway so let’s do it. I know I need it.

I attempt some particular meditation but struggle a bit, physically. I can’t get comfortable. I can’t align the energies within. I notice how rigid my body feels and contracted. So I do a little breathwork to open it up a little. Movement would help, but at 3:30 in the morning, I don’t want to get out of bed.

We can go straight to the meditation, but movement first helps. It helps to create more openness, more connection, more flow through the entire being so that the meditation is more encompassing of your entire being rather than just a struggle with the mind. Breathwork also helps get you there, but it is often enhanced/tied to movement for best results.

The breathwork felt good, but now my mind is a little stirred up. I start to notice what mental thoughts are coming up, choose to connect to my guides, set some intentions to surrender and ask for support in my business, next steps. Through this, it somehow brings me to my partner. To connect to him more fully, I turn on sound, music, certain songs that we shared in deeply intimate moments. It’s almost like calling out an SOS signal: Love, please connect with me. I need you.

I know that I connect best to myself through deep feelings and sound. Turned on my music, this helped me reconnect to my deep feelings and begin to flow with them, listen to them, tune into them.

Sadness, grief. I miss him so much.

I notice the feelings, the emotions, as a witness. I’ve been in the story for so long. If I go into the story, the feelings just consume me, keep me in there. I notice that by staying in the story, staying in the emotions, it is really just as aspect of the ego, trying to keep me small, safe, alive. It keeps me in the human experience of it rather than seeing it from a larger context: why it’s happening for me. Instead, I want to engage the witness, which creates the buffer that allows me to observe without being drawn into the story. (We practice this in our yogasana practices)

As the witness, I simply observe the sensations and feelings. What message are they bringing? If I surrender to what they bring me right now (not going into the story), I can acknowledge their presence, get curious. What are they showing me?

They are heavy. I feel like a weight or hole is in my heart center. When we were together, this space was full of joy. Now it’s sadness, grief. This can all be explained through energy, frequency. Each of these emotions hold different frequencies, and the grief and sadness also reverse the flow of my chakra(s), they drain energy from me, which I’ve felt for some time now in his absence. There’s an emotional, mental, physical consequence to what is happening; but to understand it, to clear it, I have to go deeper.

I’m crying. The emotions are strong and I want the joy back. I want him back.

I go back to being the witness.

The wisdom arises.

Holding onto the sadness or grief is not going to bring him back. Holding onto these feelings do not serve as a testament of my love for him. I don’t have to hold these to “show” him how much I love him, and in fact, since we are magnets drawing in what we put out, I am doing the opposite of “drawing” him back in but rather keeping him away.

Why are you holding onto this, Jess? It’s hurting you on every level of your being. It is not magnetizing love and joy.

I look at his picture, a picture of the two of us together. I remember the joy I felt being with him. I remember the love, the gratitude, the playfulness, the light-heartedness, the embrace, the uplifted feelings or energy.

It’s so easy to go into the story. I notice how quickly it tries to return. I listen to our music some more. I return to the witness. I return to the knowing that I don’t have to harbor this. It’s not a “sacrifice” to which he will respond by coming home. I don’t have to protect my heart, keep myself safe by closing up, wrapping myself around these emotions. Instead, I now choose joy. I choose gratitude. I choose love.

By choosing joy, gratitude, and love, it doesn’t mean that the situation has changed, or that I’m ignoring the fact that he’s still gone. He is still gone. I surrender to that, in knowing that I don’t have control over that and me holding this energy is not going to change that. But those are two separate things: him being gone and my response/emotions/story to it. Separate the two.

I surrender to that which I don’t have control: he is not here and I have no idea if or when he’ll ever return. I believe he will; I trust he will, but I have no control.

Who and how do I want to be aside from that fact? The emotions and story are a trigger for me, like a wound. His absence triggers sadness and grief within me. But when I separate these two pieces out (his absence, my emotions), I remember I have a choice of how I want to feel, what I want to harbor and cultivate, what I want to magnetize.

I might succumb to the triggered emotions at times. I find my way back to the witness, observe the truths, choose with awareness and intention.

This is our power: with consciousness, we find truth, we find choice. We have so much more power than we realize, but we have to awaken to it! We have to get past the illusions and past the subconscious holdings.

I went back to sleep and woke up with a bit more lightness than before. It's a work in process...

On a side note, from what I have learned, our Aura is a reflection of our state of consciousness. It can also show us where we need to work. My aura is usually violet/indigo. It has been green/yellow lately. In some ways, this is reflecting where my energy has been stuck, or the level of consciousness where I have been operating from.

My energy has been “stuck” at heart chakra with the mental body being way too strong. I needed to reconnect to my heart, get out of my mental body, release the “stuckness” so I could return to my most authentic self, and also bring in more joy. I can do this and so it is. Yoga, Meditation, awareness, intention, choice. I am here for it all, ready to learn, grow, shift, be. With full gratitude, love, and joy.

Interestingly, the things I’ve been pointing out to others are the things which I’ve been missing in myself: I just couldn’t see where it was showing up in my life. Seeing so many empaths, I have been trying to explain to them that the gift of sensing others’ energy is one aspect, but holding our own energy strong is another. When we entangle these two, treating them as one, we allow others’ energies to penetrate, dictate our own. Instead, we can choose to hold our own energy field strong, full… and sense but not take in others’ energies.

Today, I am noticing that instead of holding my joy/love/gratitude strong, I am allowing the story of his absence and his sadness and grief to also influence mine. I don’t have to hold the sadness and grief to still miss him. I can miss him AND also choose to hold joy and love. What might that look like? How might that change how I am experiencing life, even in his absence?

What do YOU think?

If you found this helpful, please let me know! And share with others you think may also benefit. Thank you for being you, and helping me reach others on this journey as well!

Much love & many hugs,

xoxo

Jess

P.S. We have some great events planned for these fun summer months. We'd love for you to join us! You make what we offer possible.

In case you missed it, we announced in the last newsletter: Intro to Stand Up Paddleboard and SUP Yoga This Sunday 6/9 at Lake Lanier! Check out more information or register here. What a great way to spend a summer, sunny Sunday morning!